The Lover  (Contd.)

"A Woman is a foreign land, Of which, though there he settle young, A man will ne'er quite understand The customs, politics, and tongue."

-- Coventry Patmore (1823-1896), The Angel in the House [1854-1856],
Book 1, canto 9, Prelude 2, "Woman"

This essay is written by a man for other men. I can't do anything about what women do and I don't understand how they work. I can only do what I can do. What the woman does in the relationship is up to her, not up to you. You only have control over you. You can only do your best as best you can. Here's some help.

There is a good possibility that some of the things that I say here, as well as the manner in which they are said, will give offense to some women. In advance, I apologize, but since this is written for men it has to be pretty damned straightforward.

Men are not too ite-bray, and they need strong language to get across something this alien to their natures. Since this essay is not intended to give offense, either overt or covert, woman readers will please forgive the author his errors and understand that he is just a man making the usual sort of damn-fool mistakes that women have gotten used to their whole lives long.

' . . . men often do stupid things when they are head over heels in love; and if you were to be honest, you'd admit that you have perhaps often made mistakes yourself.' Cesare replied with a smile: 'Good heavens, please spare us from revealing our own errors!'

'But we must reveal them,' added signor Gaspare, 'so that we know how to correct them.'

-- The Courtier, Book Three

There are some major areas in which you will make mistakes. Sex, money, children, and other women. If at any point you think everything is okay in your relationship, ask your mutual friends to level with you and tell you exactly how much and how badly you're actually screwing up. Perhaps you can then do something about it before it's too late.

Nobody knows a God-damned thing about women. Not even women. I suppose that women find men equally mysterious, but you'd have to ask a woman about that and she won't give you a straight answer--trade secret or something.

So far as I can tell, as a general rule women like two things: first is, to be paid attention to, valued, cherished and loved on a daily basis. The second thing they value is a sense of humor.

As far as I can tell, only a small percentage of American men are spared the trials and tribulations of romantic entanglements with women. This small percentage of men have their own problems, I'm sure, but at least they're dealing with something there's some chance of understanding. The heterosexual balance of mankind has an unknown quantity to deal with. Too bad that you can't just opt out and become gay. Well, you've got to play the hand you're dealt, I guess.

A lot more things are in the hands of the Fates than you might like to believe.

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