The Lover  (Contd.)

Introduction

In September of 1993, I received the fax reproduced below from one of the usual suspects. At the time I thought it was humorous, but ensuing events cast it in a more somber light. This is the authentic voice of womankind, trying as hard as she can to get something across, but failing. Take heed, my fellow men. Women speak softly because they must, but if you do not listen to them, they will hurt you worse than you've ever been hurt in your life.

SUBJECT: SEMINARS FOR MALES

"Once again, the female staff will be offering courses for men of all marital statuses. Please note that the names of some courses have been changed. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is mandatory."

  1. Combating Stupidity.
  2. Yes, You Can Do Housework Too.
  3. pms--Learning When To Keep Your Mouth Shut.
  4. How To Fill An Ice Cube Tray.
  5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas--Give Us Money.
  6. Understanding The Female Responses To Your Coming In Drunk At 4 am.
  7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly "Don't Wash My Silks").
  8. Parenting--No, It Doesn't End With Conception.
  9. Get A life--Learn To Cook.
  10. How Not To Look Like An Asshole When You're Obviously Wrong.
  11. Spelling--Even You Can Get It Right.
  12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence.
  13. You--The Weaker Sex.
  14. Reasons To Give Flowers.
  15. How To Stay Awake After Sex.
  16. Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere But The Washroom.
  17. Garbage--Get It To The Curb.
  18. 101a: You CAN Fall Asleep Without Getting "It" If You Really Try.
  19. 101b (Prerequisite: 101a): The Morning Dilemma--If It's "Awake," Take a Shower.
  20. I'll Wear It If I Damn Well Please.
  21. How To Put the Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled, "No, It's Not A Bidet").
  22. The Weekend And Sports Are NOT Synonymous.
  23. Give Me A Break--Why We Know Your Excuses Are Bullshit.
  24. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost.
  25. The Remote Control--Overcoming Your Dependency.
  26. Romance--Other Ideas Besides Sex.
  27. Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes.
  28. Mothers-In-Law Are People Too.
  29. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children.
  30. You Too Can Be a Designated Driver.
  31. Male Bonding--Leaving Your Friends At Home.
  32. Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson--Especially When Naked.
  33. Changing Your Underwear--It Really Works.
  34. The Attainable Goal--Omitting Ò#$%@,*" From Your Vocabulary.
  35. Fluffing The Blankets After Farting Is Not Necessary.
  36. How To Find Something Without Asking Where It Is.

"Please register immediately as courses are in great demand--As if we had any doubt."

There you have it. The rest of this essay is probably not really necessary, but I'm writing it anyway. So, here goes:

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