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Particularly at the beginning of a relationship, women are curious about your former love life. Be truthful, straightforward and brief. Make sure that she hears about your past love life from you before some one else tells her. Failure to do so will be viewed as keeping secrets rather than discretion. Do not bring any of this up yourself again unless it is absolutely essential.
You have a past, and so does she. Do not insinuate former lovers into the present relationship. Do not try to make everybody be friends.
If she wishes to continue former relationships on some level, do not interfere, and be gracious about it.
Don't ask her about her former love life. If she brings it up, listen sympathetically, but do not reintroduce the subject yourself.
Do not give her things that belonged to a former lover. In fact, erase all traces of former lovers. Children, of course, are an exception.
Do not continue relationships with former lovers. Do not give them gifts. If it is necessary to continue former relationships, make sure she knows and make sure she understands that it is not romantic. Even then, you've got troubles.
Do not arouse her jealousy. If it can't be avoided, try to mitigate it. Bend over backward. This may be the most important caveat of all.
If she cannot attend an event, and it seems appropriate that you be accompanied by a woman, get her okay in advance. What I mean is, ask her permission. If you have a maiden aunt, cousin, sister or niece this is the best first choice for an escort. It is not at all a good idea to ask that cute little secretary who's been making eyes at you. You know very well that your motives are not pure, and so does the cute secretary and so does your lover. Don't mess around or even seem to mess around. It is better to go stag and screw up the seating than to plant the seeds of jealousy in your lover's breast. If nothing else, you will have given yourself a little slack on some other mistake.
Men are such incredible egoists that they cannot imagine their lover even becoming interested in any other man. They're proud of their lover's appearance, and want her to show it off so that all the world can envy them their good fortune. If other men desire her, so much the better. It validates their own masculinity. A beautiful woman is, in a real sense, an adornment. By her mere appearance, she tells the world that you are worthy of a beautiful woman. Therefore, the more alluring a woman is in the eyes of others, and the more desirable others find her, the better men like it.
Women are not like this. Because she loves you, she believes that every other woman is attracted to you, too. There are just enough occasions in everyone's life to justify this attitude. Men are supremely unconscious of giving offense in this area.
Indeed, it seems to be the case that merely because one woman sees virtue in you, many others, who may otherwise have seen nothing noteworthy in your character or appearance, all at once find that you are much more interesting.
Whenever you allow another woman to display an interest in you, and in any way reciprocate or encourage it, you will arouse your lover's territorial instincts. It's one thing to give someone a ride home. It's another to take her to dinner on the way. Your lover's belief in your fidelity will be stretched beyond the breaking point if you insist on your innocence.
Do not behave jealously. But, women do like to see a little jealousy once in a while. Let her know that you have a territorial interest in her. Pick your ground and don't overdo it.
Thus I should not like our courtiers to behave as do so many others who as soon as they put in an appearance, even in the presence of gentlemen who are strangers to them, immediately, hardly waiting to be asked, start showing off what they know, and often what they don't know, in such a way that it seems they have come along just for this purpose and that it is their main pursuit in life.
-- The Courtier, Book Two
Be gracious and diffident when she introduces you into her world. Do not try to make an impression. Hold back, keep your mouth shut and do not be confrontive. If new friendships grow, then you can be yourself.
If you don't like some of her friends, keep your mouth shut and be polite.
If she doesn't like some among your friends, try and find out why. They may have behaved badly, or remind her of someone who hurt her in the past. In any event, keep them out of her way if possible.
Be protective of her when you introduce her to your friends. Stick by her side.
It may be necessary to protect her from women of your acquaintance. This is particularly true if she is younger, prettier or better situated than they. Women can be vicious in ways that men cannot see. Be careful when introducing her into your world.
Stand up for her honor even in her absence. It will get back to her.
If you have enemies, make sure she knows about them. They will be her enemies, too.
If she has enemies, protect her from them.
Do not be disappointed if she doesn't make a gourmet meal for you every day. Sometimes microwave popcorn is better than a tired woman in a hot kitchen.
You can make dinner just as well as she can. Cooking is not an exclusively feminine ability.
Call if you are going to be late. Call if plans change. If plans change or you are late, apologize.
Do not bring home unannounced dinner guests. Call first. If she says "no," then it's no. Be considerate.
If you are expanding the number of guests at dinner, bring more food with you.
If you really want a last-minute dinner guest, pick something up to go, wine enough for all, and flowers for her.
We must also beware we do not eat so greedily that we get the hiccup, or belch: as some feed so fast, that they annoy the company with it: they blow and puff so loud. Likewise, you must not rub your teeth with your napkin, and much less with your fingers. for these are tricks of a sloven. Neither must you openly rinse your mouth with the wine, and then spit it forth. Neither is it gentleman like to carry a stick in your mouth from the table, when you rise, like the bird that builds her a nest: or put it in your ear, for that is a barbarous trick. It is a rude fashion besides, to lean over the table, or to fill your mouth so full of meat, that your cheeks be blown up with all.
-- Il Galateo
Mind your table manners: do not make noises while eating. Do not hiccup or belch. Do not gobble your food. Take your time and show that you both appreciate the food and the company.
It is not good for a man to chide at the table for any cause. And if you are angry, show it not, nor make no sign of your grief, especially if you have strangers with you: because you have called them to be merry, and this will make them sad. For, as when you see a man eats a sour thing, it sets your teeth likewise on edge, so to see other men vexed and out of quiet makes us unquiet too.
-- Il Galateo
The dinner table is not a place for quarrels or distasteful subjects. Avoid the three forbidden topics: politics, religion and sex.
Do not be precisely on time. Allow your hostess five minutes' grace.
Bring flowers and wine if invited to dinner at a couple's house.
Bring wine if invited to dinner at a man's house.
Do not pay unusual attention to other women at a dinner party.
Do not neglect your lover, even if she's seated away from you.
If she tells you that she's tired and wants to go, do not make her say it twice.
If you sense that she's tired, uncomfortable or irritated, ask her if she'd like to go. If she says no, ask again from time to time. If she says yes, go as soon as you politely can.
If you are out with her friends, do not act tired, irritated or uncomfortable. Do not suggest that it's time to leave.
If you attend a formal dinner party, send a bread and butter note the next day.
Do not drink to excess.
If you become mean, morose or foolish when you drink, don't.
If you plan on getting drunk, do it in private or with other men. Dinner parties are not the place for it.
Do not address problems within the relationship via Johnny Walker.
Probably it is a good idea not to use drugs at all, but suit yourself. In any event, do not use drugs to excess. You are probably either an "upper" type or a "downer" type. Upper types favor caffeine, cocaine, crack, Benzedrine, methamphetamines and the like. Downer types like alcohol, opiates and barbiturates. Hallucinogens are a separate class: lsd tends to be more of an upper than marijuana, and mescaline is something of an upper, but really these do not conform to the class of "up" or "down." Sort of to the side.
You can generally mess more safely with the kinds you don't like than with the kinds you do like. Be respectful of even the milder ones. Things can get out of hand fast. Stay entirely away from the bad ones: crack cocaine, heroin, pcp. They will destroy you, and they will destroy the people around you.
Money is always a problem.
Do not make trouble over money.
'He was loved by a very great lady, and at her request he came secretly to the town where she was. After he had seen her and enjoyed her company for as long as she would let him in the time, he sighed and wept bitterly, to show the anguish he was suffering at having to leave her, and he begged her never to forget him; and then he added that she should pay for his lodging at the inn, since it was she who had sent for him and he thought it only right, therefore, that he shouldn't be involved in any expense over the journey.'
At this, all the ladies began to laugh and to say that the man concerned hardly deserved the name of gentleman; and many of the men felt as ashamed as he should have been, had he ever had the sense to recognize such disgraceful behavior for what it was.
-- The Courtier, Book Three
Do not expect her to pay her part of expenses for entertainment or dates. If you like masturbation, you'll love Dutch Treat.
"Mad" money. You may have noticed that women always want to have a bit of cash somewhere about them. Currency squirreled away in the most unlikely places, but usually in coats, pants, compacts, purses, automobiles. Sometimes it's just folded up and tucked into a shoe. The basic concept is that they always want to have enough money with them at all times so that if they get "mad" at you, they can storm out and still get home on their own. It's a survival trait.
Money is the genie in the bottle that serves whoever owns it. If you can believe it, money is even more important to women than to men. If money means power and independence to you, it means double that in spades to a woman. Since they have comparatively less overt power in society, the genuine clout represented by ageless, genderless, colorless money is proportionately greater. Never imagine for even a moment that she does not care about money.
If she is actually dependent on you for money, it's even more of a problem. She needs her own money.
Do not reproach her with her expenditures.
Do not be a tightwad.
Talk about it. Do not assume that silence is consent. Ask her advice and opinion. Ask frequently.
A joint account may not be appropriate. On the other hand, it may be just the sign of trust and teamwork that she wants. Ask her. Probably, she both wants independence and teamwork. She does not want to account to you for every expenditure, nor even to have you know about all of them. Even with a joint account, she should have some way of spending money that you have neither control of nor information about.
If she does not make much money, take care that she is not put into an inferior, dependent position through your greater earning power.
The money she earns is hers.
If she makes more money than you, take care.
Do not let a woman give you money.
Do not make her ask for money.
If you're having job problems, you're also going to have woman problems.
It's as easy to fall in love with a rich man as with a poor man. Women want financial stability as well as emotional stability.
The "for richer or poorer" part really only works one way. A woman does not mind being with a poor man--though indeed she would prefer one who was not poor, all things being equal--nor does she mind being with a poor man who has prospects. What she does mind is a man whose prospects are not panning out as expected, or who is having prolonged financial difficulties. If you can't earn a decent living, she may very well find someone who can.
Do not ask her for money. If you find that you cannot make ends meet, and she has not cheerfully insisted on helping out, you are in serious trouble.
Women do like a man to be handy. Homo Habilis, or "shade tree fix-it man," after all, not only made tools, but was probably the first of our species who could talk, thereby allowing him to seduce women. Follow his example, or you will become extinct.
Don't wait to be told that something needs doing.
Don't procrastinate. If it needs doing, do it.
Shoulder more than you think is your share of mutual responsibilities, and do it with good cheer.
It's always your turn to do a difficult, tiresome or unpleasant task.
Do not leave her to do something unpleasant while you go off and do something you want to do.
Do not leave messes for her to clean up. Making your mate into your servant will not benefit you.
Do your share of the housework.
If you don't want to do something, do not indicate this by doing a bad job at it in the hopes that she will not ask you again. This is cowardly.
If you don't want to do something, and she doesn't want to do it either, hire someone else to do it.
The womb is not a homing device. Try to find something--really try--before saying in that whiny tone, "Honey, where's the . . . ?" She didn't hide it, and if you put it somewhere, like a squirrel, you should remember where you put it.
The fundamental problem is this: most of the time, she actually does know where it is, and you actually can't remember where you put it. So, the whole thing gets a healthy dose of positive reinforcement. But, for some reason, women find this irritating.
To make matters worse, women like moving things around for no reason that makes any sense to men. Something along the line of establishing territorial boundaries--sort of the female equivalent of peeing on tree trunks. So, she may have moved it, which means that you really don't know where it is and she really does, but again, women don't appreciate being reproached for simply tidying up or making things more orderly, even if this does mean that you can't find it. Remain calm.
Do not make decisions--purchases, engagements, binding agreements--that affect the both of you, without consulting her. Ask her about the ones that you think don't affect her, too. She may not share your opinion of what is, and is not, important.
If she is in charge of one aspect of your mutual life, let her run it as she sees fit.
It is not enough for a man to do things that are good. He must also have a care that he do them with a good grace. And good grace is nothing else but a light that shines on the aptness of things set in good order and well disposed, one with another, and perfectly knit and united together. Without which proportion and measure, even that which is good is not fair, and the fairness itself is not pleasant. And as food, though it is good and healthful will not make men want to eat, if it has no pleasant relish and taste. So fares it with the manners of men--though in themselves they may in no respect be bad--if a man does not season them with a certain sweetness, grace and comeliness.
-- Il Galateo
Do everything with a cheerful countenance and good grace. Do not whine or complain.
Trouble shared is trouble halved. Tell her your joys and sorrows. Tell her the little things.
Giving comfort softens and comforts both the giver and the receiver. It is a form of bonding that can only result from loving kindness bestowed with generosity in a time of need. A little comfort when it is needed goes a long way.
Help given grudgingly or resentfully is worse than no help at all. Be cheerful and quick to render help when help is needed. If you are inconvenienced by so doing, remember all the times that you have been helped yourself and how good it made you feel that someone loved you enough to be inconvenienced without complaining. The Lord loveth a cheerful giver.
Listen to her troubles and sorrows. Give her a shoulder to cry on. Do not become annoyed if she complains about work or problems with friends.
The sharing of intimate thoughts and important experiences is a demonstration of trust, and as such builds trust between you. You may err by being too open, but not as much as you may by being too closed.
It is a courteous and friendly part to excuse a man's fault, even in that very thing wherein you know how to blame him. And withal, it doth well, to make the proper and peculiar fault of your friend, indifferent and common to you both, and first, to take one piece to yourself, and then after to blame and reprove him for it. 'We were deceived and failed much: we forgot ourselves yesterday to do so.' Although such negligence and error or whatsoever it be is altogether his fault and not yours.
-- Il Galateo
When something has gone wrong, accept whatever blame may be yours with a good grace.
Do not attempt to place the blame on her for things she may not have done, or which were the responsibility of the both of you, or which may have been your fault entirely. In any event, accept your share of responsibility and blame, no matter whose fault you may think it is.
Do not whine.
Do not accuse her of whining.
Respect her physical and intellectual accomplishments.
Accord her public respect and admiration.
. . . some . . . will never seem astonished at what others accomplish because they assume they can do far better themselves, and they do this as if to suggest that there is no one their equal let alone capable of appreciating the profundity of their knowledge. Our courtier must avoid this hateful kind of behavior and praise the achievements of others with great kindness and goodwill . . .
-- The Courtier, Book Two
Do not upstage her. If she has done something which gains her praise, join in the praise and do not give the impression that you are jealous or resentful of her accomplishments.
Acknowledge her vital contribution to anything that may gain you public acclaim.
Women are perfectly glad to do something that they don't like in return for something they want. If you don't reciprocate, taking it as only your due, or if you feel that is no more than her responsibility, you will be in trouble deep.
Women often have a hidden agenda, and a softly-worded comment may actually be an ultimatum. Let us imagine, for example, that she is pressured into something that she does not enjoy, which she does for the sake of the relationship. What she wants in return is something that shows that you appreciate her sacrifice. This may be to do something with her that she wants to do, or just do something with her that does not involve others. It needn't be a big thing. If she suggests something more than once, or in connection with something that she clearly only does because you want her to do it, PAY ATTENTION.
Example: On holidays, special occasions and frequent Sundays she goes to family dinners and get-togethers with you. She and your family get along well enough, you think, but in fact there is a considerable undercurrent of tension generated when she is in your mother's house or around your siblings, their ill-mannered children and lunatic significant others. She feels that they are judging her, sizing her up, and that she can never really be comfortable around them. She actually dislikes some of them, who also dislike her.
You know nothing about this, because you're a congenitally insensitive moron. Nonetheless, she goes and behaves herself. In return, she believes that you should take some time to be just with her. She suggests that you go together to the movies, or to the museum, or a play. You do not reciprocate, or do it grudgingly and infrequently. At some point, she says to herself, "If he doesn't take me out to the movies at least once in the next two months, I'm never going to go to one of those family things again." You don't and she doesn't.
Trouble ensues, and it's all her fault, right? Wrong. If she stops doing something that you think she should, or if she finds more and more excuses for not doing those things until imperceptibly she is not doing them, it's time to wake up and smell the coffee. She is now looking for a stranger on a train, and may dance out of your life.
The thing she may want you to do may be something that you find every bit as unpleasant as the thing she does for you that she finds unpleasant. The family dinners are torture for her, but she goes. So, she looks around for something that she knows you don't like, say, a rock 'n' roll concert featuring a performer whose voice you have often compared to dental floss between the ears, and makes it clear that she both wants to go and has a spare ticket. You don't go because you don't like the performer. Bingo, you have just failed an important test.
Things to think about and do:
Do not keep a part of your life secret from or mysterious to her.
Do not cut her out of part of your life. Encourage her participation in things that you are interested in, but do not insist. She will participate to the extent that she wants to and no more, unless you insist. Do not insist.
Do not intrude into parts of her life into which you have not been invited. Do not demand a share in all aspects of her life. Give her some elbow room.
Do not demand that she share all your interests.
Do not make her life miserable with your interests. Televised sports can become obtrusive. Do not make her a (your interest here) widow. An annual hunting expedition is one thing, but if you do something that excludes her once a week or more, you're playing with fire.
Women want to have their way. Let them have it. It won't do you any good to try and stop them, anyway. It will only create resentment and anger.
Don't make her do things that she doesn't like to do.
Even if you don't like doing some things with her that she likes, do them anyway and with a good grace.
Let her have her secrets. Do not pry.
Respect her privacy. Never look in a woman's purse. If she wants you to get something from it for her, hand her the purse. The purse is a significant Freudian metaphor; the term "pocketbook," is often used as a euphemism for the female privates. Obviously, that is and should be a private thing to her. Never look in her lingerie drawer. Never look in a woman's private areas of the house. If you find a package or box that you don't recollect, leave it alone.
Do not let others use her possessions without her knowledge and permission. Do not suggest that others should use them. If she wants to share something, she will bring it up herself. Do not betray a confidence. Keeping secrets between you builds trust.
Do not casually discuss intimate details of your relationship with any third party. Professional therapy is an exception to this, as is any sincere effort between mutual friends to discover what may be a problem area within your relationship.
Accept that she has a life outside your relationship. Without you around, she may be a rather different person. Do not resent this or try to change it.
Anyone who studies our actions carefully, always finds in them various shortcomings. And this is because Nature, being fond of variety in this as in other matters, has made one man sensible in regard to one thing and another in regard to something else. So, since one person knows what another does not, and is ignorant of what another understands, we find that everyone all too easily perceives his neighbor's error and not his own, and we all think we are very wise, perhaps most of all in regard to things about which we are most foolish.
-- The Courtier, Book One
. . . for indeed we are all instinctively more prone to condemn mistakes than to praise what is well done, and it seems that, out of some kind of innate malice, many men, even when they see what is clearly good, strive with all their might and main to find fault or at least what looks like a fault.
-- The Courtier, Book Two
You get a lot more flies with honey than with vinegar. If she's doing something you don't like, be careful in your criticisms. It is better to remain silent, and better yet is to encourage and praise the things that you do like.
Never criticize her in public.
Do not make comparisons between the woman you're with and any other woman. Do not discuss other women in a sexual sense. Do not discuss your past lovers.
Keep her from making mistakes. Tell her before someone else does. It is better to hear a correction from one you love than from a stranger. Worst of all is to realize your mistake after it's too late. Don't expect to be thanked. She may be annoyed at you, but will be very angry if you allowed her to make a fool of herself. Illustrations: If she has lipstick on her teeth, tell her. If her dress is unzipped or a button has been missed, discretely zip, button or give her your coat.
If you make her make a mistake, you will pay for it forever. Illustration: She may be wearing the entirely wrong clothes for an occasion, which may result from your not having told her the exact nature of the event. Do not expect that she will automatically know that "a little get-together with friends," is actually a fairly fancy cocktail party, or that "a barbecue" is really a formal garden party. If she shows up in jeans and a t-shirt, and all the other women are wearing summery dresses and big hats, informal jewelry and heels, you are a dead man. If there's even one single woman on the jury, she will walk out scot free.
. . . many women have been the cause of countless benefits to men, and have often corrected their errors.
-- The Courtier, Book Three
If she tells you publicly to stop doing something, stop. Do not make her repeat herself.
Now you shall understand, there was in Verona, a bishop, who was a wise man; learned and of singular good wit by nature, whose name was Giovanni Matheo Giberti. Among the many good parts that were in him, he was very courteous and liberal to all gentlemen and noblemen who came into his house, not with over much pomp and cost, but with convenient entertainment and measure, such as was seemly to a man of the clergy.
It chanced in his time, a noble gentleman called Count Richard passed that way, to spend a few days with the bishop and his household together: which was very well furnished with honest gentlemen and very well learned.
And by cause thy found him a noble gentleman, courteous and well behaved, they praised him much and made much of him, save that one unmannerly fashion they much disliked in him.
When the Bishop was advised of it, consulting with some of his associates about it (as he was a wise man in all his doings) they immediately concluded that it should be necessary to let the Count have knowledge of it: though they feared they should offend him.
Upon this, the Count taking his leave, and ready to ride away the next morning, the Bishop called upon one of his servants to him (a man of good discretion) and gave him in charge to take his horse and bear the Count company some part of his way, and when he found it appropriate, to tell him straightforwardly what they had determined between themselves.
The gentleman who had this responsibility was a man well stricken in years, very learned and pleasant, well-spoken, comely, and had much frequented in his time the courts of great Princes, who was and is called Galateo, at whose request I first took in hand and set forth this present treatise.
Riding with the Count, he found him pleasant and talkative enough, and passing from one matter to another, when he thought it time to return to Verona, in taking leave at parting, with a gentle and cheerful countenance, he said to him: "Sir Count, my Lord gives you many thanks for the honor you have hone him, in that it has pleased you to bestow on his poor house: and that he may not be unthankful, for this your great courtesy shown unto him, he has given me this task, that I must leave a present with you on his behalf: and he sends it to you with earnest request, that you would please take it as worthy: and this is the gift.
You are a goodly gentleman, and the best mannered man my Lord has even seen: so that very carefully observing your behavior, and particularly considering them all, he finds none that is not comely and acceptable, only one unseemly trick excepted, which you make with your lips and mouth together, eating your food with a certain strange noise, unpleasant to all men that hear it.
This my Lord willed me to tell you, and prays you to endeavor yourself to leave it, and withal to accept in lieu of a better present this loving admonition and council of his. For he is sure there is none in the world that would make you the like gift."
The Count (that never knew of his fault until now), hearing himself reproved, changed his countenance a little, but (as a courageous man) taking heart, he said, "Tell your Lord, that if all the gifts that men are accustomed to give each other, were such as this, men should be much more rich than they are. And for his great courtesy and liberality to me, give him many thanks, I pray you, and let him be sure, I will not fail from henceforth to mend my fault, and God be with you."
Il Galateo
If she tells you that you are doing something wrong, it is likely for your own good. Though you may not be pleased to hear it, it is true friendship that leads her to do so.
"The reason husbands and wives do not understand each other is because they belong to different sexes."
--Dorothy Dix
Remember that, in many important ways, you are a deaf, dumb and blind.. Behave as though you have only five rather blunted senses and she has at least six extremely sharp ones.
Women's intuition is real. Women are aware of things that men do not see. Men can be unbelievably blind to things that women think are bright as day. Men can be, in matters of the heart, almost unconscious. The only way to find out if something is going on is to ask.
Women are smaller than men, and are by training non-confrontive. Through experience, they learn that direct confrontation is dangerous. Thus, they often adopt the "passive-aggressive" approach. If, for example, she makes your coffee so that it is guaranteed to be stone cold by the time you can get to it, take a hint. She's mad about something, and here's how you're finding out about it. Start talking.
Many a truth is spoken in jest. If she laughingly says something, it's to give you a hint without confrontation. If she is talking to you and you interrupt with something off the subject and she quotes the Gary Larson cartoon that goes like this: "What we say to dogs (There's this picture of a guy lecturing his dog, and he's saying): 'Okay, Ginger! I've had it! You stay out of the garbage! Understand Ginger? Stay out of the garbage or else!' The next frame is exactly the same but the caption is: 'What they hear: blah blah GINGER blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Ginger blah blah blah blah blah ' " she's giving you a broad clue.* In other words, "Take a hint, you dope."
*In Search of the Far Side, Gary Larson, Andrews, McMeel & Parker, copyright 1980, 1981, 1982, 1983, 1984 by the Chronicle Publishing Company.
Talk about it. Listen. Pay attention. Be attentive to the silent, secret messages. No negative or unhappy expression is trivial.
Do not allow the television set to become a third member of your household. Do not substitute sitting in front of the TV set together for genuine togetherness. When the TV is on, real conversation is almost impossible. If the set is on all or most of the time, your relationship is in serious trouble.
Do not phrase a question in such a manner that it contains the answer you want. Example: "You don't want to go to the dance Saturday, do you?" or, "I don't really want to go to the dance Saturday, do you?" If you actually want her opinion, phrase the question neutrally.
And they do also make the like fault, that take upon themselves to reprove and correct men's faults, and to give a definite sentence in all things, and lay down the law to all men. 'Such a thing should not be done.' 'You spoke such words, do not so, say not so.' 'The wine you drink is not good for you, it should be red wine.' 'You should not use such a medicine, or such pills.' And they never cease to reprove and correct.
And as there be few or none who wish to spend their lives with a physician, a confessor and much less a judge that has jurisdiction and power to control and correct all criminal faults, so is there not one that can take any pleasure in living or make himself familiar with such censors, so hard and sever. For every man loves liberty, and they would rob us of it, and be our masters.
Il Galateo
Do not lecture her. Women resent being lectured, and for some perverse reason this is exactly what men like to do. You think you're having a dialogue, when in fact you're handing down laws written in stone.
Do not make light of her complaints, criticisms or suggestions.
Don't try to talk everything to death. When you've gotten to the point where either of you is repeating yourself, drop it.
Listen carefully to what may seem to be criticisms of others. They may be criticisms of you.
Ask her opinion.
Take her opinions seriously.
Never be condescending.
And therefore, if any man be in readiness to tell his tale: it is not good manners to interrupt him: nor to say that you do know it well. Or, if he besprinkle his tale here and there with some pretty lie, you must not reprove him for it, neither in words nor in gesture, as shaking your head, or scowling upon him.
Likewise, it is an ill-favored condition to stop another man's tale in his mouth, and it spites him as much as if a man should take him be the sleeve and hold him back, even when he is ready to run his course. And wen another man is in the midst of telling a tale, it is not good manners for you, by telling the company some news, and drawing their minds to other matters, forsaking him clean, and leave him alone.
And when a man tells his tale, you must listen to him carefully, that you may not say later, "Oh, what?," or "Oh, how?" which is what many men do.
And, if a man tell his tale slowly, you must not hasten him forward, or lend him words, although you be quicker in speech than he. . . . Every man in his own conceit thinks he can tell his tale well, although for modesty's sake he may deny it.
Il Galateo
Laugh at her jokes and stories.
Do not interrupt her when she speaks.
All men are stupid. All women are crazy.
Men protect themselves with a veneer of toughness. Women protect themselves with a veneer of emotion.
Men like to be dirty. Women like to clean them up.
Remember that men and women are fundamentally different. Though they do have two things in common: both are carbon-based forms of life, and they are together capable of producing fertile offspring. Outside of that, you'll have to talk to the experts.
The Magnifico Giuliano at once replied: 'The poor creatures do not wish to become men in order to make themselves more perfect, but to gain their freedom and shake off the tyranny that men have imposed on them by their one-sided authority. Besides, the analogy you give of matter and form is not always applicable; for woman is not perfected by man in the way that matter is perfected by form. . . . On the other hand, woman does not receive her being from man but rather perfects him just as she is perfected by him, and thus both join together for the purpose of procreation which neither can ensure alone.'
-- The Courtier, Book Three
Women do not wish they were men. Women only wish that men would not treat them badly. Women notice that men do not often treat men as they often treat women. If you even occasionally treated men the way you customarily treat women, you would get the shit kicked out of you. The reason women do not do this is because they can't, not because they don't want to once in a while.
Women do not have penis envy except when you pull the car over the side of the road to take a leak. If anybody has penis envy, it's men. Think about how men obsess about penis size, how they're constantly making jokes and talking about penises and so on and so forth.
I can't say for sure, but basically women don't spend anywhere near as much time thinking about, talking about, looking at pictures of penises as men do of, say, breasts. Women may very well have figure envy--envy of other women's figures, not men's--but that has not much to do with penises now, does it.
And, although this is not perhaps the right time to go into subtleties, my answer, based both on a reliable authority and on the simple truth, is that the substance of anything whatsoever cannot receive of itself either more or less; thus just as one stone cannot, as far as its essence is concerned, be more perfectly stone than another stone, nor one piece of wood more perfectly wood than another piece, so one man cannot be more perfectly man than another; and so, as far as their formal substance is concerned, the male cannot be more perfect than the female, since both the one and the other are included under the species man, and they differ in their accidents and not in their essence.
You may then say that man is more perfect than woman if not as regards essence then at least as regards accidents; and to this I reply that these accidents must be the properties either of the body or of the mind. Now if you mean the body, because man is more robust, more quick and agile, and more able to endure toil, I say that this is an argument of very little validity since among men themselves those who possess these qualities more than others are not more highly regarded on that account; and even in warfare, when for the most part the work to be done demands exertion and strength, the strongest are not the most highly esteemed. If you mean the mind, I say that everything that men can understand, women can too; and where a man's intellect can penetrate, so along with it can a woman's.
-- The Courtier, Book Three
Men evolved bodily strength to protect themselves and their loved ones from other men. Women evolved brains to protect themselves from the men they love. So far, it's a standoff. That old story about God creating Eve out of one of Adam's ribs? It's baloney. If you ever count your ribs, you'll see that you have the same number as a woman. What really happened is this: God put Adam to sleep and extracted part of his brain and made a woman out of it. That's what really happened.
Men and women within a given culture are different sizes. Men tend to be bigger and stronger, women tend to be smaller and more delicate. This sexual dimorphism is an evolutionary survival trait, and has nothing whatever to do with cave men dragging women around by the hair or Man the Mighty Hunter. If there is a potential shortage of resources--the normal human condition--there are advantages and disadvantages to being larger or smaller.
Largeness tends to favor the individual, whereas smallness tends to favor the group. If there are limited resources, and the individual is large, a few stronger individuals will tend to command the resources. Largeness also makes more efficient use of limited resources, because, pound for pound, a larger organism uses fewer resources than a smaller one.
So, it becomes obvious: you don't need very many men to impregnate a comparatively large number of women, but you do need as large a pool of women as possible to ensure the survival of the group. So, you get big men and not many of them, and small women in plenty. Human sexual dimorphism optimizes limited resources in times of shortage.
Women secretly believe that men are incredibly stupid. They're right.
For men demonstrate their courage far more often in little things than in great. Very often in the face of appalling danger but where there are numerous witnesses one will find those who, though ready to drop dead with fear, driven on by shame or the presence of others, will press forward, with their eyes closed, and do their duty; and only God knows how. But in things of trifling importance, when they believe they can avoid danger without its being noticed, they are only too willing to play for safety. As for those who, even when they are sure they are not being observed or seen or recognized by anyone, are full of ardor and avoid doing anything, no matter how trivial, for which they would incur reproach, they posses the temper and quality we are looking for in our courtier.
--The Courtier, Book One
Women are physically afraid of men. Do not exploit this. Be physically gentle. Make your strength a buttress and shield, not a weapon.
Women despise a coward.
All the same, we do not wish the courtier to make a show of being so fierce that he is always blustering and bragging . . . the man we are seeking should be fierce, rough and always to the fore, in the presence of the enemy; but anywhere else he should be kind, modest, reticent and anxious above all to avoid ostentation or the kind of outrageous self-glorification by which a man always arouses loathing and disgust among those who have to listen to him. --
The Courtier, Book One
Women dislike a swaggering bully.
Women find aggressive machismo silly.
Men are afraid of women's wiles. Cleverness is a woman's weapon of self-preservation. Be aware of this. Do not resent it when she tries to outfox you.
'I am quite surprised,' said signor Gaspare with a laugh, 'that since you endow women with letters, continence, magnanimity and temperance, you do not want them to govern cities as well, and to make laws and lead armies, while the men stay at home to cook and spin.'
The Magnifico replied, also laughing, 'Perhaps that would not be so bad, either.' Then he added: 'Do you not know that Plato, who was certainly no great friend of women, put them in charge of the city and gave all the military duties to men? Don't you think that we might find as many women just as capable of governing cities and leading armies as men?'
-- The Courtier, Book Three
Do not be arrogant about knowledge or skills you may have and she doesn't. You weren't born with them. If she wanted to, she could probably do just about anything better than you. One of the main reasons that women stay away from men's activities is that they don't want to show us up.
Another big reason is that they find many of our most consuming interests incredibly boring. This is probably what saves us from a condition of permanent humiliation. If you know something she doesn't know, share it with her. Be a teacher, not a miser.
And then as regards things about which he knows he is totally ignorant, I should wish our courtier to keep completely silent and not to seek to acquire a reputation for understanding them; rather, he ought to confess his ignorance.
-- The Courtier, Book Two
Do not pretend to knowledge which you do not have. It is better to confess ignorance and accept instruction than to be caught out and made to appear a fool. Ignorance is no crime, but foolishness is.
And if you chance to be entreated of the company to speak your mind, I would have you do it gently, without showing yourself greedy to carry away the prize. But you must leave to every man his part, and be it right or wrong, consent to the majority, or to the most importunate. To offer advice unrequested, what is it else but to vaunt yourself wiser than he is, whom you do council. Nay, rather it is a plain check on him for his ignorance and folly. And therefore, you must not do so with all our acquaintances generally, but . . . only when a man stands in danger and peril, no matter how much a stranger he may be. But in our common acquaintance and conversation, let us not busy ourselves and meddle too much with other men's doings.
Il Galateo
Do not take things over, thinking that you can do better. Let her do her work as she sees fit, and if she asks for help, render it only to the degree that you have been requested.
Do not nag.
Making her smaller does not make you bigger. It only makes you smaller.
Automobiles are to men as clothing is to women. You may think that women are every bit as interested in your car as you are, but you'd be wrong. If she's interested in you, she will feign an interest in the things that interest you, but believe me, she's probably not as enchanted by the intricacies of the internal combustion engine as you might wish to believe.
Women are not impressed by a fast car, a luxury car, a really neat car or anything else about a car except that it works when it should and is not embarrassing to be seen in. The only thing that impresses a woman about a car is that it's yours and that you like it.
A luxury car is somewhat like a peacock's tail: it tells the woman that not only do you have resources, but that you have resources to spare. This had better be true, or it will be taken as an unforgivable instance of false advertising. If you really are rich, then you can drive a luxury car. If you are not, in fact, rich, then you'd better not pretend to be what you aren't. This goes for other aspects of your life, as well. Be yourself.
Women seek safety. The only thing about a car that a woman will not like is if it keeps breaking down and you won't get rid of it. If your car is in the habit of packing it in during heavy rainstorms, heat waves or in the middle of nowhere, she will become reluctant to go places with you. You may like tinkering with the carburetor by the roadside, but she won't like sitting alone in the car as you hitchhike into town to get spare parts or a tow. While you're thinking about the fuel pump, she'll be thinking about rape, murder and a shallow unmarked grave. This will do nothing for her mood, your sex life, or the welfare of the relationship. Get a reliable car.
Women are not impressed by aggressive, macho driving.
Do not drive in a manner that frightens her. If she makes complaint of the way you're driving, listen and learn.
If you've been drinking and she suggests that perhaps she should take the wheel, let her. Don't go into a big song-and-dance about how you can hold your liquor or how your reflexes are just fine or how you didn't really drink much after all. Just hand over the keys and sit back and enjoy the ride. She will think much better of you for it. She will not be so apprehensive if she knows that she can rely on your cooperation if she thinks you've had one too many. She will appreciate your having listened to her opinion and taken her advice. Last, but not least, you may save yourself the expense and humiliation of a DUI citation.
Do not criticize her driving.
When you get lost, ask directions. I know that this runs counter to every male instinct, but do it anyway. You will find her in a much better mood when you get to where you were going if you actually listen to her, take her advice, and act upon it. At the very least, you're saying to her that you're listening. At the most, you will find out where you are and what to do about it and get there more-or-less on schedule.
To be sure, I would not know how to lay down any hard and fast rules about dress, save that one should adapt oneself to the custom of the majority; and since, as you say, customs are so varied and the Italians are so eager to adopt the styles of others, I believe that everyone may be allowed to follow his own inclinations. . . . I would add that he should decide for himself what appearance he wants to have and what sort of man he wants to seem, and then dress accordingly, so that his clothes help him to be taken for such, even by those who do not hear him speak or see him perform anything at all. . . .
I am not saying . . . that clothes provide the basis for making hard and fast judgments about a man's character, or that we cannot discover far more from someone's words and actions than from his attire. But I do maintain that a man's attire is also no small evidence for what kind of personality he has, allowing that it can sometimes prove misleading. Moreover, habits and manners, as well as actions and words, provide clues to the quality of the man.
-- The Courtier, Book Two
By your appearance and public behavior, you are telling everyone the exact degree to which you value your lover. If you're a slob, everyone will know that you don't care about her. If you try to be presentable, everyone will know that you want her to like you and be proud of you.
Treat her fashion hints like strong suggestions, and her suggestions as commands.
But in any case, everything should be tempered by discretion . . . if the courtier is a good judge of himself . . . he will act his own age, for it is certainly most unbecoming and unsightly when an old grey-haired gentleman, who is toothless and wrinkled, takes up the viola and plays and sings in front of a gathering of ladies, even if the performance is quite good.
This is because the words of songs are nearly always amorous, and in old men love is altogether ridiculous, although it sometimes seems that Cupid along with the other miracles delights in melting even the icy hearts of the old. . . . those who are fond of these things even though they are not young are anxious to appear so; and so they dye their hair and shave twice a week for the simple reason that Nature is tacitly telling them that such things are fitted only for the young. . . . every age brings its own cares with it, and has its own characteristic vices and virtues. . . .
Young men should be just as careful and judicious, not of course after the fashion of the old (since what is suitable for the one would hardly be so for the other, and it is usual to say that too much wisdom is a bad sign in a young man) but in correcting their natural faults.
-- The Courtier, Book Two
Act your age. If young, do not be overly serious. If you don't do the things you ought to do when you ought to do them, you will want to do them later and then you will make a fool of yourself. If you hurry your youth to get to maturity, you will never actually make it. Maturity comes with making a host of stupid, irreparable mistakes. It comes from hurting other people and being hurt by them. It comes from the forced self-examination that results from the dark midnight of the soul, and there's no substitute at all. You can't get out of it. It's a life sentence. As Martin Luther said, "Sin bravely." In order to forgive others, you must learn to accept forgiveness and, most important of all, to forgive yourself. It takes a lot of time and a lot of sin to get there.
If old, do not make a fool of yourself by aping the fashions of the young. If you missed out on life when you were young, you missed it. Too bad for you. Don't try to recapture your lost youth by taking up with a 19-year-old aerobics instructor unless you are 19-years-old yourself. Never buy a red sports car, 4x4 or motorcycle if you are over the age of 30.
If you have facial hair, keep it clean and tidy. Carefully groom after eating, drinking or smoking. If you are sweaty, dry your mustache before kissing her. If you sneeze or cough, carefully wipe your mustache and beard. Look in a mirror once in a while.
Nose hairs and ear hairs should be eliminated.
Do not chew tobacco.
It is a rude fashion for a man to claw or scratch himself when he sitteth at the table. And a man should at such time have a very great care that he spit not at all. . . . I have heard tell, many times, of such countries that be so sober: that they do never spit.
-- Il Galateo
Do not spit in the street. Women find it nauseating. The very thought that this spitting mouth may soon seek theirs is enough to make them not want to kiss you at all.
Women's sense of smell is much more acute than men's. If she implies that you do not smell good, take a hint.
I don't want him to appear soft and feminine as so many try to do, when they not only curl their hair and pluck their eyebrows but also preen themselves like the most wanton and dissolute creatures imaginable. Indeed, they appear so effeminate and languid in the way they walk, or stand, or do anything at all, that their limbs look as if they are about to fall apart; and they pronounce their words in such a drawling way that it seems as if they are about to expire on the spot.
-- The Courtier, Book One
Women mistrust a pretty-boy. If you think you're good looking, you may or may not be, but women don't much care. Good looks are their bailiwick and you should not try to compete. If you make too much of your looks, they'll believe, correctly, that you are the center of your universe, and there is no room for competition.
There's a Spanish saying that sums up the female attitude toward masculine good looks: "El hombre es como el ozo, el mas feo, el mas hermoso." "A man is like a bear, the uglier, the better."
If you are balding: no comb-overs. No hair plugs. No rugs. No ponytails. Live with it. Keep it clean and short. You would be mortified to hear the mockery that women make of such things when they are in that citadel of their gender, the ladies' room.
Unless you've had a serious automobile accident, leave cosmetic surgery to the ladies.
Avoid high-maintenance hairstyles.
A man must not apparel himself like a woman: that the attire may not be of one sort, and the person of another: as I do see it in some that wear their heads and their beards curled with bodkins, and have their face, and their necks, and their hands, so starched and painted, that it were too much for a girl, nay, harlot, that makes a merchandise of it, and sets herself to the sale.
-- Il Galateo
Do not primp and preen. Do not look at yourself in shop windows. Do not mess with your hair in public.
Keep your shirt buttoned. Cleavage is a feminine prerogative.
And some such you shall find, that although they be encumbered with no more wealth than easily serves their turn: yet will they never appear unless their necks be laden with chains, their fingers full of rings, their caps beset with agates, and every other part bespangled as though they would defy the king of Castiglio.
-- Il Galateo
Wear modest jewelry, and not much of it. No gold chains. Only one earring. No pimp or power wristwatches. Only one ring. No clear stones (the sole exception is a Super Bowl ring. If you've got one of those, wear it all you want.)
You must smell, neither of sweet nor of sour: for a gentleman should not smell like a beggar; nor a man like a common whore. But you may very well use some simple fragrances made from distilled waters.
-- Il Galateo [That is to say, you may use a discrete aftershave lotion.]
Do not wear scent. She's the flower, you're the bee.
Don't try to tell her what to wear, how to cut her hair, or what makeup or jewelry to wear. If your opinion is asked, try and discover what she wants to hear before answering. Praise the things that you like, but be careful, by that means, not to criticize something else. If she really dresses in a way that you don't like, too bad.
Women dress for other women, not for men. Men are not competent fashion critics. If you don't like a particular fashion, wait a minute.
If men had their way, women would dress like tarts. Though women occasionally want to dress like tarts, they only do it when they want to.
Women dress differently for different occasions. They know what the occasions are and you don't. Don't make any suggestions. If she asks, "Do you think this is okay?" Find out what she wants to hear, be encouraging, say "Yes," but don't be surprised if she changes everything.
If you had to put on makeup you'd take a long time, too. Read the paper while you're waiting; improve your mind with literature. Do not tap your foot.
Women tend to get dressed five or six times before they're satisfied. Be patient. Allow extra time. Learn a foreign language--you'd be surprised at how much progress you'll make if you study between the times you're all dressed and she's not ready yet.
Women like to experiment. Hair color, makeup, accessories and clothing can be somewhat eccentric from time to time. Be supportive.
If she does something radical with her hair, take it as a warning sign. When women change their hair, it's something else they want to change.
Women are obsessed with their faces and bodies.
If she asks you if you think she's too fat, the answer is "no." Just say "no."
Do not imply that she would be improved by breast implants, tummy tucks, facelifts, liposuction, collagen injections, hair dye, or cosmetic surgery of any kind. If she wants to do it, she'll do it unless you violently object. It's her body.
If you think that she might benefit by exercise, lead the way. If she sees you becoming svelte and trim, she may feel the urge herself.
If she embarks on a diet, do not sabotage her efforts by giving her candy, preparing lavish, high calorie meals or buying snack food and ice cream. You probably need to lose a little weight yourself. Help her. Notice that she is thinner and more beautiful, but don't lay it on too thick. She may gain it all back and feel bad. If this happens, say nothing.
Gifts perform more than one task. When you give her a gift, she knows that you value her. Also, other people will know that you value her. Little gifts are fine, but a big, expensive one once in a while is imperative.
Do not give her practical gifts, self-help gifts or gifts that you want yourself.
Do not get anyone else to do your gift-buying for you.
If she rejects or does not use a gift, try and discover the real problem.
If she gives you a gift, use it and indicate clearly how much pleasure it gives you. If she gives you an item of jewelry or apparel, wear it. If your feelings are to the contrary, keep your mouth shut and your mind on the relationship.
Women's bodies are totally different from men's. Things go on that have no masculine counterpart, and that you cannot understand. Accept it.
If her behavior seems irrational, do not write it off as PMS. It's more likely that you don't understand what's wrong. Start asking questions, but be careful. She may not be able to tell you because she may not know herself.
Though PMS is real enough, it's suicide to mention it. Never attribute irritable behavior to hormonal activity.
If you had to go through menopause, you'd be crabby, too. Be patient. Develop a consuming, inexpensive hobby for about five years. Don't worry, she'll be back.
. . . I consider that a lover can retain his lady's favor by the same means he employs to win it; and what is essential is to please the woman he loves and avoid offending her. So it would be difficult to lay down any hard-and-fast rule; for there are endless ways in which a man who lacks a fine sense of discretion can make mistakes which seem trivial but which nevertheless give grave offense.
-- The Courtier, Book Three
Keep yourself in good physical condition.
Don't be a slob.
And when you have blown your nose, do not then open your handkerchief, to gaze upon your snot, as if pearls and rubies had fallen from your brain: for this is slovenly behavior, enough to cause men, not so much not to love us, as if they did love us, to unlove us again.
-- Il Galateo
Mind your manners. Manners are as the outside of a house: this is the side that you turn to the world, and by which you are judged. Observe the outward forms and you will be forgiven many things; but if you are lax in manners and courtesy, your smallest fault will be found enough to condemn you.
Do not become lax over time. Never stop trying to win her affection. Manners are the lubricant which prevents society from grinding itself to pieces. Manners show that you can control yourself. Those in society who display no manners, or bad manners, declare themselves thereby outlaw, outcast, more like wild animals than men. Take care to be polite, or it will be the worse for you.
Treat her like a new lover. Write her love notes. Buy her little presents. Give her flowers.
Treat her like a lady. Women want affection, respect and consideration. Open doors. Hold her chair. Wait until she is seated before you seat yourself. Rise to greet her. Take her out to dinner frequently. Say it with flowers.
Tell her often and sincerely how beautiful, sexually exciting and alluring she is. Tell her why she's beautiful. And never say it in the same way twice. Talk in specifics. "I love the sparkle in your eyes when you see me." "I love the texture of your breasts." "I love the color of your skin against the sheets" "I love to see the sunlight in your hair," etc. Remember Cyrano. No all-purpose, all-occasion complements that sound canned.
Women crave romance. If your idea of romance is unformed, buy a book on it. You might start with Ovid.
Sex is basic. Everything in a relationship revolves around sex. But it's more complicated than you will ever know. Don't ever, ever think that you know what's actually happening in your bedroom.
The two of you absolutely must be sexually compatible. This is not as easy to figure out as you may think. People's sex drives differ radically, and are different at different times of their lives. People's sexuality can be dramatically different with different people. A woman who has lived for years in a ho-hum sexual relationship can all of a sudden discover a passionate side to her that she cannot find with her long-time mate. A woman can leave a passionate, expert lover for a man who does not have much sex drive at all. Basically, for a long time, she'll try to be whatever she thinks you want her to be. But if it's not what she really is, or becomes, or changes from, she will no longer be happy with any part of the relationship.
Broadly speaking, people have higher or lower sex drives. A person with a strong sex drive--which means that they are to some extent defined by their sexuality--will have a lot of trouble getting along with a person who's sex drive is significantly lower. Though the person with the lower libido--especially if it's the woman--may do her damnedest to be what the man wants, or seems to want, eventually this constant pressure will badly damage the relationship.
Try--though this is asking an awful lot--to discover which you are and which she is. The biggest mistake in this area is confusing physical beauty and allure with what may be going on psychologically and emotionally as far as sex is concerned. Just because she has a body like Gina Lollabrigita and a face like the Mona Lisa doesn't mean she's a sexpot. In fact, a beautiful woman with a knock-out body may find her exterior an annoying piece of false advertising. Do not confuse the outside with the inside. A Plain Jane can be a tiger who turns you every which-way but loose, while Miss America might be a woman who can take it or leave it.
Women's outsides say, "sex" to men. They use this to get you and to hold you, and they don't want to share you with other women, so they'll keep it up. However, a woman doesn't always want to be a sex object, and if you always treat her like one, especially to the exclusion of her inner self, she will hate it. If her body and sexuality are all she is seen to have to offer, she will go crazy and kill you with a kitchen knife. Once again, no jury in the land, if it has even one single woman on it, will send her to the chair. Look at what happened to Lorena Bobbitt: she cut off her sleeping husband's penis and threw it into a vacant lot; offered the defense that she succumbed to an irresistible impulse because he used her as a sexual appliance and did not satisfy her sexually; was found guilty and received 45 days in a psychiatric ward. Now she's out running around loose again. Take a hint.
Good sex is essential, but not sufficient. A sexually satisfied woman will overlook a lot of other faults, but it only goes so far. Sex is not a substitute for anything.
Good sex takes up 10 percent of your thoughts. Bad sex takes up 90 percent of your thoughts.
Be sexually considerate. Actively appreciate her efforts to please you. Make sure she is sexually satisfied.
Do not insist upon sexual relations if she is tired or reluctant.
Respect her sexual boundaries, but do not become stodgy or unadventuresome. What may have been too much at one point may suit just fine at a later date. Listen carefully for hints.
Never reject or disparage a sexual overture or an attempt on her part at something new.
Listen carefully for hints.
Remember this simple rule: you learned everything you know about sex, which is fortunately a great deal, out of books.
Continually, sincerely and inventively praise her appearance, face, body, sexual allure, sexual nature, efforts to please you, sounds she makes, and every single aspect of her lovemaking. You get more flies with honey than with vinegar.
Show her with sounds, words and actions that she is totally satisfying to you sexually. Make her feel like the world's best lover, and she'll do the same for you.
Ask her what she likes sexually. If she can't tell you in words, take every hint. Try do draw her out. Suggest things yourself. Remember that women have been brought up to be non-demanding, especially sexually.
Do not fall into a routine. Create variety. Keep sex fun. It is not a chore.
Don't get too weird.
If sex becomes dull, routine or unexciting, it is not her fault.
Women quite correctly believe that men are terrified of commitment. They'll hint, but say nothing directly for fear of frightening you off. Nonetheless, if you don't make a firm commitment within the appropriate window, she will start looking elsewhere for a man who will.
The engagement ring should be appropriate to your income. Too big is vulgar, but it shouldn't come with its own magnifying glass, either. The old rule was a month's wages, which is pretty serious. Forget that "two month's salary" crap. It's a venal ploy of the diamond industry.
Once you propose, believe it or not, you're actually going to have to get married. However, from the proposal on out, you're on rails. She and her friends and her mother will take over your life.
Ask her to make the wedding date. Do not make it yourself. Things will be going on that you have no understanding of.
She's in charge of everything. Do what she says. Actually, her mother is in charge, but that's not your problem, thank God. For most women, the wedding day is the most important, stressful day of their lives. You are necessary, but aside from actually showing up sober and appropriately dressed, functionless.
Ask her carefully before inviting anyone. Do not encourage former lovers to attend the wedding. Former wives are definitely out. This is her day, not yours.
Do not do anything disgraceful, or allow your friends to do anything disgraceful, at your bachelor party. Do nothing that she shouldn't be able to hear about with comfort. Keep it in relatively good taste.
The father of the bride is responsible for the expenses of the wedding.
The groom is responsible for the expenses of the rehearsal dinner.
If you can get through the wedding, you can get through the marriage. Be patient. Be tolerant. Keep your sense of humor.
Remain sober. You have things to do that night.
Wear a wedding ring. If you don't, she'll believe that you don't want other women to think of you as married, with all that implies.
She doesn't have to take your name. The symbolic submergence of the self which occurs when a woman discards her father's name and takes her husband's appeals to some women but not all. She is not your property. She does not have to obey you. If she has an established professional life, it would be harmful to her to lose the identity created through her birth name. She may wish to be "Mrs." under some circumstances and "Ms." under others. It's her name, not yours. Honor and support her choice. She's not rejecting you by keeping her own name, she's preserving her identity.
Don't forget the morning gift. Something really nice, really romantic and pretty expensive would be about right. Try jewelry. The morning gift is a big-time indication that her symbolic surrender of virginity is valued greatly.
A honeymoon is important. It doesn't have to be anything fancy. Just remember that she's exhausted and needs a rest. Stay away from anything with lots of enforced, planned activities.
"Familiarity breeds contempt--and children." Mark Twain, Notebook
Women are designed to have babies. A moment's inattention, a passionate forgetfulness, and Mother Nature will take over.
Pregnancy and children are sometimes a woman's way to save, patch up or cement a failing relationship. If the relationship is in trouble, be careful.
If she wants babies, she'll have babies. If you really don't want to become a father, get a vasectomy.
If you want babies and she is ambivalent, don't try to pressure her into it. Children stay after a marriage is gone.
If she becomes pregnant, and the both of you agree that you do not want a child, be supportive beyond anything that seems reasonable when she gets the abortion. Furthermore, be very careful that she does not unconsciously seek to become pregnant again.
If she becomes pregnant, and she wants to have an abortion, it's none of your business.
If she becomes pregnant, and wants the child, and you don't want a child, you're in trouble. It is probably a good idea to insist on an abortion, but it will also mean dreadful things for the relationship. But, better that than a lifetime's unwanted responsibility and a woman whom you will dislike and resent hanging around your neck like an albatross. Remember, however, that she unless her name is Mary Mother of God, she did not get pregnant by some sort of miracle. It was your responsibility to prevent an unwanted pregnancy in the first place, and if you dropped the ball, you may wish to examine your true feelings about becoming a father. Maybe you'll like it.
Remember also, that if she does not want an abortion, she does not have to get one, no matter how you may feel about it. In this case, you have two unpleasant options: you can own up to the responsibility you accepted when you made love to her and did not take appropriate precautions; or, you can take it on the lam and swell the single mother statistics. The latter is, to say the least, cowardly and despicable.
Women have a thousand faults Men have only two: Everything they say, Everything they do.
-- Folk Saying
Things are never just fine. Silence is dangerous. If a matter of principle interferes with your relationship, there's something wrong with your principles. When she's mad at you and you don't know why, it's for at least two reasons: the immediate reason, which she will eventually get around to telling you, and the real reason, which she will not tell you in context. The real reason may come out sooner or later, but generally only when it's too late. Beneath the real reason lies the really real reason, which is generally speaking something awful that somebody else did to her a long time ago and which you are evoking. There's no way you can avoid constantly doing this. Just do your best. If you actually can figure out what kinds of things upset her, try not to do them. Of course, you are in the position of Mark Twain's cat, which having set on a hot stove will never set on a hot stove again, nor will it ever set on a cold stove. You always learn the wrong lesson. There are myriad ways of committing the same mistake, and you will do all of them, or die, or she will leave you first. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.For sometimes people are inept in ways that are not quite so obvious, and the mistakes they make are not all of the same kind. . . . Often these mistakes are veiled in such a way that the one who makes them, unless he watches out very carefully, fails to perceive what is happening.
-- The Courtier, Book Two
Men are clumsy oafs who trample on the delicate sensibilities of women ten times a day without any idea that they're doing it. Women are extremely sensitive to slights, insults, neglect and hurt, and it is this very sensitivity which makes them so different from men. You can't help it. You're constantly fucking up. Try as hard as you can to make her feel better about you despite your incredible insensitivity. The best you can do is try, and the best you will get for trying as hard as you can is an "A" for effort. If she loves you, she will overlook the "F" that your behavior actually merits. If she does not love you, you will get an "F" for effort and a failing grade in conduct on top of it.
However--forgiveness or no forgiveness, and I'm not entirely sure that women ever really, truly forgive anything--you should be aware that she forgets nothing, and though she may tolerate your ineptitude, she is steadily storing it up in memory's trove, to someday, often without warning, bring it all up against you in a rush. At some mysterious juncture she will no longer be able to take it anymore, and will inexorably begin to fall out of love with you as mysteriously as she fell in. I know of no exceptions to this. The only variable is time.
All his faults observ'd, set in a notebook, learn'd, and conn'd by rote.
-- Wm. Shakespeare, Julius Caesar, IV, iii, 96
From the man's side of the relationship, this may seem like a setup. But, oddly enough, women don't look at it that way. They look at it as accepting the inevitable, preparing for it and preserving themselves in spite of it. I call it a self-fulfilling prophesy. And I quote, directly from a woman asked about this precise thing:
"There's an imaginary line that women mark in the ground with their toe at the beginning of a relationship. Men start out a few feet away and start dancing toward it immediately. Soon, they're so close they're dancing all around it. They want to see how the ground feels on the wrong side of that line. Women make notes of the number of times their man dances across--the tally marks increase. Finally, men like the feel of that ground so much they decide to stay there and suffer the consequences. You guys must enjoy those consequences! And men don't really want to butt heads with the truth, because every time I give a man these blatant bits of insight he tend to ignore them.
"When a man enters into a serious relationship with a woman, he invariably misses the fine print on the contract. This man must also posses (or promise to acquire) the power of divination. A woman is either unable or unwilling to tell her man of her dysfunctional attributes. It makes her feel weak and therefore uncomfortable. She wants you to observe her, watch her reactions (the more subtle ones reveal the most). You must then, in a non-threatening way, help her give voice to her fears. But the therapist role that she wants you to assume doesn't work because you're floundering, too. A woman assumes that a man's stoic silence stems from confidence. In reality, the silence means only that he hasn't a clue."
Try and figure out where the invisible, secret line is and try not to go over it too often. Good luck, Buddy.
Women are hand-grenades with the pin pulled, and sooner or later you're going to do something that sets them off. The trick is to stave the explosion off as long as possible. But, you can't put it off forever. Nobody gets out of here alive.
Do not expect Jack Daniel's to solve your problems.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the marriage cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
--Ogden Nash, "A Word to Husbands,"
Everyone but Thee and Me, 1962
Laugh it off. A sense of humor covers a multitude of sins.
Don't take things too seriously. Often, if no offense is taken, the offense itself disappears. Often, no offense was meant in the first place. But, you sure can make a molehill into a mountain with a little tactless anger.
Turn the other cheek.
Be slow to take offense and quick to forgive.
Measure twice, cut once. Say nothing in haste or anger. Control your temper. Petty anger is unmanly.
Do not get upset over trifles.
Never try to get even.
Never nurse a grudge.
Do not keep score.
Do not speak harshly to her.
Never pursue a quarrel in public.
Never use the presence of others to allow you a cover to say unkind things, quarrel, or humiliate her.
Never attack when she can't strike back.
If she says unkind things to you in the presence of others, do not retaliate.
If you notice a pattern to her irritability, there may be a number of causes. First, of course, the pattern may be yours and not hers at all. Many people are just fine unless they're low on blood sugar, and then they become cranky. The first thing in the morning is just such a time, as is mid-afternoon, especially if there has been no time for lunch and breakfast was skimpy. If either you or she exhibits a regular pattern of crankiness take a look at the last time either of you had something substantial to eat. If she is on a diet, this may cause her to be low on blood sugar all the time. Watch your step and be forgiving, don't make mountains out of molehills and never pass up a golden opportunity to keep your mouth shut.
Some women find fighting sexually exciting. Quarreling, kissing and making up is often a way of refreshing a passion that may have cooled a bit. If you can't handle this, you've probably got the wrong woman.
Be non-confrontive if you think something is wrong. But, it's important to be interested and curious. For a lot of women, "the relationship" becomes a third party, different from the two of you. If you're not taking an interest in "the relationship" it's as though you are not taking care of your child.
The quickest way to end a war is to lose. Don't let the sun set on your wrath. Apologize if you've made a mistake. Also, apologize even if you think it's her mistake. Admit that you were wrong, and that she was right. Say it with flowers.
You could be wrong. She could be right. It may not matter. It usually doesn't.
Do not take out your problems on her. She didn't do it.
Understand if she has problems that she's taking out on you. Be strong and forgiving.
Any ten of these warning signs mean that you've had it:
Become alarmed if her face does not light up when she sees you; if her voice does not sparkle on the telephone when you call.
She stops preparing food for you.
She stops doing little things to please you.
She does things that she knows irritate you.
Her body language changes for the worse.
She changes her hairstyle.
She makes a substantial change in dress or manner.
She rejects or does not use a gift.
She becomes vague about her whereabouts and associates.
She no longer seeks your praise or approval for her actions or appearance.
She stops praising you for little things.
She can't make time for something that's important to you.
She expresses disinterest in the things that interest you.
She does not rejoice in a triumph or commiserate with a failure.
Your successes eclipse her successes; your failures endanger her welfare.
She does not reassure you when you are in doubt about yourself.
She avoids a special occasion.
She avoids your friends. and associates, or begins speaking badly of them.
She starts talking about living elsewhere.
She starts throwing out possessions.
She starts going through things as though deciding what to keep and what to leave behind.
She does not want you to be around her associates, or actively excludes you from social situations.
She exhibits alarm and chagrin if you show up unexpectedly at her workplace.
She avoids a public display of affection.
She seems annoyed if others are made aware of your affection for her.
She makes a large point of explaining ordinary events.
She makes a large point of explaining why she may have received tokens of affection from someone else.
She suddenly stops talking about a particular man while talking a good deal about everyone else.
She makes a large point of eradicating all personal debt.
She seems to avoid any further commitment in the relationship.
She comes home late and leaves early, is gone on weekends and works on holidays.
She seems to be unable to sleep.
She starts to lose weight for no reason.
She gives you pecks instead of kisses, pats instead of caresses.
She doesn't want to smear her makeup by kissing you, or muss her clothes by hugging you, or disorder her hair with a caress, or be a little late for something because you want to make love.
She seems to avoid physical intimacy.
She seems to find you physically unattractive.
She seems to be angry at you in general.
You can't seem to do anything right. She seems to despise you for your virtues and hate you for your faults.
She seems to be finding fault or picking fights over trifles.
She doesn't seem to care what you do or don't do.
She seems annoyed if you are ill.
She stops exhibiting concern for you.
She seems to have nothing to say; small talk becomes a chore; she avoids any sort of personal subject.
She finds your favorite, oft-repeated jokes and observations annoying and tedious.
She does not want to talk about her plans for the future.
She seems to display no great pleasure in your company.
She seems to be setting you up to make a substantial mistake.
She seems to be talking up the sexual allure of other women.
Her personal possessions seem to be disappearing and not coming back.
She seems just as glad if you cannot do something with her.
She doesn't seem to care if she displeases you or not.
She grudgingly does favors for you or does not do them at all.
She seems to be making herself attractive, but it doesn't seem to be aimed at you.
She is embarrassed by your appearance.
She refers to you as "he" or "him" or "his" instead of using your name when discussing you with others.
She does not forgive you when you hurt her through stupid, inconsiderate, wrong or cruel behavior.
You must not behave badly just because you think she is behaving badly. You may be mistaken in every way. Try to keep your balance; think of the future. If it's not too late, consider couple's counseling.
I also believe that the bond of friendship should not involve more than two people, for otherwise it could perhaps be dangerous. The reason for this is that, as you know, harmony is more difficult to achieve with several instruments than with two.
-- The Courtier, Book Two
No matter what else is going on, people are inevitably sexually attracted to other people. Within limits, this should be ignored and tolerated.
Here are the basics: men object to women's infidelity because they are never really sure that their children are theirs. There's no way of telling. Multiple partners and fathers are, however, advantageous to the race as a whole, optimizing and mix-and-matching genetic material. Men have the ability to reproduce themselves countless times with multiple partners, and have a genetic mandate to do so.
This involves getting as many women pregnant as they can. Recognizing the incredible trouble that this makes, women have evolved a number of strategems for preventing men from knowing that children may not be their own. Disguised periods of fertility, permanent sexual receptiveness, permanently enlarged breasts--all these prevent men from knowing who the real father is.
This means that men are not going to kill children, or at least neglect them, if there is a chance that those children may be their own. Women's clothing and makeup are further disguises, making them look receptive, sexually satisfied, pregnant or nursing even when they aren't. All this, of course, serves primarily to keep men off their feet and permanently confused. (For an interesting discussion of this, and related topics I direct the reader to "Why is Sex Fun? The Evolution of Human Sexuality," by Jared Diamond, Basic Books, 1997.)
Women, too, have a genetic mandate toward promiscuity. If they can become pregnant with the children of multiple fathers, whilst simultaneously keeping the care and protection of one main man, they may well be inclined to do so. The many confusing disguises they have evolved to keep men in the dark about paternity, pregnancy and sexual receptiveness aid and foster women's ability to carry on more than one sexual affair with at least one of the men remaining none the wiser.
"The husband is always the last one to know," as the well-worn phrase has it, and it contains more truth than fancy. Just because one man is a good provider does not mean that he carries the best genetic material. So it may be that the more secure the woman is in her material life, the more inclined she may be to go shopping around for better--or at least different--genetic material.
Women do not have the same problem as men. They know who the mother is, and generally who the father is, as well. Women have a different problem: women have a comparatively limited ability to contribute to the gene pool. Having a child demands a big investment of time and energy, and even the most fertile may have only a few. Once they have a kid, they need support and some sort of guarantee that the guy is going to stick around.
Their problem, therefore, is to keep him from straying, littering the planet with his offspring and then walking out. As a woman ages, her potential for having children declines, leading the man to look elsewhere for the means to satisfy his genetic mandate. This means that men tend to leave their wives after the children are capable of getting along on their own, and seeking a new, young wife with whom he can continue to generate half-copies of himself.
So, men try to keep women from straying because they want to be sure that all their kids look like them. Women try to keep men from straying because they need support and protection for both themselves and their children.
Fidelity is a balancing act between conflicting desires, genetic mandates and cultural traditions: women want multiple fathers for their offspring, but stay faithful out of fear and self-preservation.
Men want multiple mothers for their children, but stay faithful because they are afraid of other men. Needless to say, no matter how desirable for the individual, this business of fidelity is honored more in the breach than in the observance, and both men and women stray often and disastrously.
But tell me why it is not made the rule that men may be condemned for a dissolute way of life as much as women, seeing that if they are naturally of higher worth and virtue, they can all the more easily practice the virtue of continence; and then doubts about one's children would be neither greater nor less.
For even if women were unchaste, if the men stayed pure and did not give in to the unchastity of women, they could not produce offspring all on their own. But if you wish to be truthful, you must also recognize that we have granted ourselves the license by which we want the same sins that are trivial and sometimes even praiseworthy when committed by men to be so damnable in women that they cannot be punished enough, save by a shameful death or at least everlasting infamy.
-- The Courtier, Book Three
Because there is more of an incentive for women to remain faithful--they need the support and protection of a man who will only grant it if he believes that she is faithful to him--and less of an incentive for men to remain faithful to women--he has a genetic mandate to have as many children by as many women as possible--there has evolved in all societies the thing we call the "double standard."
Our post-industrial society places less emphasis on fidelity because women are capable of taking care of themselves, and men are less likely to kill one another over women. Paternity is not such a big deal. Both sexes now have the ability to engage in relationships with multiple partners, though except for the "checking around" stage, most men and women prefer to be serially monogamous. When they get out of sync, and one partner is looking for a new relationship while the other has reason to remain committed, things get messy.
There is no such thing as an "open relationship."
Do not be sexually unfaithful.
There is a reason why pet names and affectionate nicknames were invented. No matter who you are or how much you love your lover, sooner or later you will be thinking of some other woman while talking to her and you will use the wrong name. It is a big-time unforgivable sin, and will open the floodgates of her jealousy. Flowers and other sincere tokens of affection will go a long way toward assuaging her anger and suspicion, but face it, things will be different between you from then on out. The most dangerous times for making this particular mistake are two: first, when entering a new love affair shortly after another has ended; second, when you are in fact emotionally or physically involved with another woman. If possible, use "darling," or "sweetheart," for the other woman, so as not to develop the habit of using two different names in similar moments of passion and intimacy.
If she calls you by the wrong name, especially in a moment of passion, you are in serious trouble. But, the best thing is to feign deafness and ignore it. She may not ever know she did it, which of course, makes things worse. But, if you bring it up and make a big deal out of it, it will only create a problem that might otherwise be avoided. Live with it. Women are as much attracted to greener grass as are men. Women fantasize as much as men do, often without any sincere intention of jumping the fence. This is one of those golden opportunities to keep your mouth shut that I mentioned earlier.
Do not be over-eager to accept rumor as fact. However, where there is smoke there may be fire, so take evil rumors as a sign that all may not be well with your relationship. Be circumspect and generous, but attend to the matter if it seems grave. At the very least, her reputation as well as yours is endangered.
Others, when they are excited to jealousy, are so carried away by grief that they heedlessly rush into making accusations against the man they suspect (sometimes when he is quite blameless) and even against the woman herself; and they insist that she should not speak to him or even look in his direction; and often this behavior not only offends the woman they love but causes her to love their rival.
-- The Courtier, Book Three
Do not accuse her of infidelity. If you have what you believe is absolute proof that she is straying sexually, do not be confrontive. It is important that this subject not be ignored, though you are stepping into a mine field when you bring it up. You cannot merely allow hints, allusions to the infidelity of others, pointed remarks about characters in films or any other oblique reference to do the job. You must be direct, but exceedingly careful, considerate and loving. Remember above all else: YOU COULD BE WRONG. Put as much blame on yourself as possible when you bring it up. For example, "I know that I haven't been making love to you the way I should, lately. I'm sorry I have to work so much and leave you alone so much of the time. Is there anything about our relationship that you feel could be improved? Is there anything important I should know?" Be as careful as if you were carrying a lighted candle in a powder magazine.
If you have strayed sexually, keep it to yourself.
Do not humiliate her with your sexual affairs. If you do so, she must leave you.
Do not allow her to humiliate you with her sexual affairs. If she does so, you must part.
If she suspects you of infidelity, but has no concrete proof, deny it. If the accusation is groundless in fact, consider what you may be doing to arouse her fears.
If she suspects you of infidelity, but has no concrete proof, deny it. If her accusation is true, break off the relationship with your illicit lover immediately. Do some serious fence-mending.
If she discovers your infidelity, do everything in your power to obtain forgiveness. Don't do it again. At this point, as a couple you must seek competent, professional counseling.
If she has committed a sexual indiscretion, ignore it if she is keeping it discrete. If your suspicions solidify into conviction, take a look around at the rest of the relationship. Is she giving serious warning signs that she is about to make a break? Does she act like she does not love you any longer? Or, is it just an itch that needs scratching. Hard to call these things, but I guarantee that if you act like a jealous, possessive jerk, you will lose her. Probably, the best thing to do is get the both of you into counseling.
If you feel that you have grown cool to her, it's time to talk. You have two obligations toward her, in direct proportion to the length of the relationship: first, you have to tell her what's going on. Second, you have to give her a chance to win your affection back.
When a relationship has grown cool, you are primed to enter a new one. It can take you by surprise. If you find that you are falling in love with someone else, you have an obligation to give your lover a chance to win you back. She's put a lot into you, and you can't just walk out on it. Remember at all times that an infatuation with another may very well cool remarkably once impediments are removed. Behave decently, and give your old lover a chance, and be honest as much as you can be. Once your passions are slaked, you may see things in quite a different light.
Do not rely on osmosis or psychic communication. It is not fair to expect her to know what's going on by guessing, vague hints or your altered behavior. People do not see what they do not want to see. She doesn't want to see your affection being transferred to another, so she won't. Denial, as the saying goes, is not just a river in Egypt.
When you have to tell her good-bye, be as gentle and kind as possible. If you have behaved properly, she will know what's coming and be ready for it. It is a great injustice to hit her with the news all unprepared. If it comes to her as a genuine surprise, she will be badly, permanently damaged. There is no excuse for this.
Burn no bridges.
People change. Change is not necessarily bad. If love is to last, you must change together, not grow apart. If the changes seem troubling or dangerous, talk about it. If that does not seem to be working, seek competent, professional counseling.
If you think that she should change in some way, try to change in that way yourself, and perhaps she will follow your example. Do not demand change; it doesn't work that way. Remember, you could be mistaken. It may be you who needs to change.
If you feel that she has grown cool toward you, it may be you who needs warming up.
If you feel that she needs professional psychological help, you need it. You may both need it. If she doesn't want it, do it yourself. Perhaps she will follow.
Job conflict can destroy a relationship. If her job is jeopardized by the love affair, the love affair will suffer or go sour. Seek professional help.
If she is a professional who puts in long hours under exciting, demanding circumstances, her world of work will become more real than her home. Home and lover will become illusory, and her relationships at work will supplant them. Seek competent, professional counseling.
As a woman becomes financially independent, she will become emotionally independent, as well, especially if she feels that there is conflict between work and home. Seek competent, professional counseling.
If you're gone somewhere without her, write letters, send postcards.
Out of sight, out of mind. Frequent or prolonged physical separation is dangerous. Separate vacations may be appropriate, but remember that there is no "500 Mile Rule."
Travel without your lover is boring and hurts the affair. Take her along if at all possible.
Do not prevent her from doing something simply because you don't want to, or cannot, do it.
If there is a considerable difference in your ages, sooner or later one of you will grow up and change, while the other will be left behind. Before this happens, you must seek competent, professional counseling for the both of you. If she doesn't want it, do it yourself. Perhaps she will follow. Even if she doesn't, when she leaves you or you leave her, you will be all set up with the therapist.
Men are looking for women who display fertility, youth and health. Since these are attributes of young women, men tend to seek young women over older women, regardless of their own age.
If there's one thing that really displeases older women, it is to see a man of their own age with a woman who's secret of youth and beauty is that she's just graduated from high school. Do not rub their noses in it. This will make you some serious enemies.
Women are not as concerned with a man's age as men are with a woman's age. Older men may be more dependable, more fatherly, better situated socially and economically, and more tolerant and experienced. An older man is, if nothing else, a survivor.
Everybody goes through it.
The mid-life crisis is especially severe for men and women who denied or were deprived of their adolescence, when they should have been doing all the things they didn't do.
People go through a number of broad phases. Teens are a time of adventure and risk-taking. Twenties are a time of expansion and exploration. Thirties are a time of restlessness and self-evaluation. Forties are a time of regret, fence-mending and reconciliation. Fifties are a time of calming down, acceptance and preparation for the responsibilities of maturity. Old age is the time of vigorous consolidation, socially conscious activity, and eventual contentment.
Collaborative relationships tend to break down upon the completion of the project. The collaborative relationship can be creative, or more general, such as one in which children are being raised or careers are being built. When a major breakthrough or reorganization is consolidated or accomplished, the reason for the collaboration may disappear, and the partners break up to form new teams or go out on their own. This may not be to the liking of both partners, and in general one gets left behind. One partner may devote a disproportionate amount of pick-and-shovel work to the collaboration, and the other gets a disproportionate share of the reward. The commonest example is of the wife who works for years to put her husband through medical school and when he finally becomes a doctor, he leaves her for the nurse.
When a woman has completed one significant part of her life, such as childbearing or moving into a true career from a series of insignificant jobs, she will also be ready to change her entire life. This is the point at which she may succumb to a physical love affair, leave her family and strike out on her own. Though the emotional, physical and economic damage may be severe, she will do it regardless. The ordinary time for this is her early to mid-thirties.
Reacting to a husband grown cold and indifferent, and feeling that menopause is upon them, women in their early to mid-forties may actively seek out sexual affairs, though generally they do not want to end their marriages. If this happens, ignore it if possible. Seek couples counseling.
. . . I hold this for certain: that in each one of us there is some seed of folly which, once it is stirred, can grow indefinitely.
-- The Courtier, Book One
When a man has completed one significant part of his life, such as fathering children and becoming established in his trade or profession, he may also be ready to change his life. He will feel the need for physical affirmation. This is the point at which he may succumb to a physical infatuation, generally with a much younger woman. He will leave his family and make a fool of himself. Though the emotional, physical and economic damage may be severe, he will do it regardless. The ordinary time for this is his early to mid-forties.
If the relationship is relatively long-standing, and has children or some other significant cement, it may survive the mid-life crisis of one or both parties.
The longer a relationship has been going on, the better chance of survival it has.
The better you behave during the crisis, the more likely you will have a relationship to return to.
It's never too late to try and fix things between you.
Where there is love, there is forgiveness.
No long-term relationship can avoid at least one major disaster. If the relationship can be revived and begin anew, it will take on a better, stronger and more vital nature.
Reconciliation will not occur just because one of you wants it.
If you feel that there is a chance of reconciliation, make sure that she knows you still love her, but do not pursue her aggressively. You will only frighten her away.
If she cannot let go of the relationship, be kind but very firm. Do not allow her to develop false hopes. Do not keep her in doubt. Do not trifle with her affections.
If you cannot let go of the relationship, understand that she is kindest when she makes it clear that she no longer loves you. Do not allow yourself to develop false hopes. Give it up. Take care of yourself.
When women transfer their affections, it is absolute. Winning her back is a lot harder than keeping her.
If you find that you have made a mistake in leaving her, you must begin the courtship anew, as if with a new woman.
For the truth is that our minds detest all the things that have accompanied our sorrows and love all those that have accompanied our joys. So we find that a lover sometimes rejoices to look at a window, even though it is shuttered, because it was there that he once was favored by the sight of his lady; and similarly he rejoices to see a ring or a letter, a garden or some other place, or anything whatever that may seem to him to have been a conscious witness of his pleasures.
On the other hand, often the most ornate and beautiful room will be obnoxious to one who has been held a prisoner or suffered some other unhappiness there. And I have known people to refuse ever to drink again from a cup used for their medicines when they were ill. To one man, a window or a ring or a letter provides the joyful memory that gives him so much pleasure and seems therefore to have been part of his enjoyment; to another, in the same way, the room or the cup seems to bring back the memory of his captivity or his sickness.
-- The Courtier, Book Two
If she left abruptly, that is, if you were not able to see the myriad warnings that were posted like flashing neon signs around your life for the last few months or years, you will first go into shock. This is a good time to get some friends to take physical care of you.
Shock, denial and the sickening sense of loss may last for as long as two or three months, but the worst of it should be over within a few weeks.
Your home is no longer a comfortable place. It's empty. You feel that wherever she is, is where your home actually is. Do not sell your house or move out of your apartment. It will come in handy later, when you've got some perspective on things.
A breakup is a form of spiritual death, and you are in mourning.
You are going to have some violent mood swings. At one moment, you might even be glad of your new-found freedom. At the next, you may be consumed by black despair. You will of course feel relief at the resolution of the tension that probably dominated the relationship for quite some time. You may mistake the absence of pain for pleasure, but this will not be so. However, take heart: no one emotion is going to last long, so keep a weather eye out and ride it through.
You're going to review the entire history of the relationship, trying futility to figure out what went wrong. You probably will not succeed, but the effort will keep you profitably busy. Once you've got things more-or-less straight, you can put this internal dialogue aside and move on.
It wasn't necessarily your fault.
She is not your enemy. She did not do this to hurt you.
If you left her, this is what she's going through.
A lot more things are in the hands of the Fates than you might like to believe.
Love is not enough.
You cannot control your heart, nor she hers.
You cannot control her heart, nor she yours.
The failure of a love affair is not necessarily anyone's fault.
There's not necessarily anything, right or wrong, to be done.
Nothing lasts forever.
. . . very often it is not within our power to decide not to love . . .
-- The Courtier, Book Three
Love must be given freely, and it can be taken back without your permission, and it can be given to someone else even if you don't like it.
Love must be given freely, and it can be taken back without her permission, and it can be given to someone else even if she doesn't like it.
When the love affair ends, behave like a gentleman.
Spend as little time alone as possible.
Seek the company of friends.
The depth of pain caused by the loss of love is at times insupportable by one person. That is why you need friends. Friends convince the inner self that you are not cast out and alone. Without the love of friends, a vital part of the inner self would die.
Listen to what your friends say.
Do not lean too heavily on any one friend.
Do not drink too much alcohol. Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant. It will twist a feeling of sorrow and depression into one of suicidal despair. Do not drink alone.
A good, solid drunk is appropriate and therapeutic. In fact, you may need several good, solid drunks over the course of the next few months. Just don't do it to excess (this is relative) or alone. Lock up the firearms, give your car keys to a trusted friend, and let 'er rip. Take vitamin B and drink lots of water.
Do not become dependent on anti-depressants.
Do not combine anti-depressants with alcohol. This will kill you.
Get plenty of exercise. Part of your physical pain and many of the sensations of despair, anguish and a broken heart, are actually withdrawal from the pleasant physical chemicals generated by love. You can temporarily replace these chemicals with endorphins. The endorphins you generate through exercise mimic the ones you've lost. Though not by any means happy, you will be calmer. Plus, you will look a hell of a lot better, which will come in handy when you finally decide to cast around for a new woman to share your life.
In addition to those vital endorphins, non-cerebral, repetitive activity such as running or weightlifting increases the release of serotonin, which helps reduce the symptoms of depression and obsessive-compulsive behavior. Serotonin also promotes a healthy introspection and withdrawal from the hurly-burly of the world which, when you're not in good emotional condition, can be a little too much, sometimes.
Keep busy.
Drink lots of water.
Take vitamins.
Keep your diet about the same. Eat even if you're not hungry. By the same measure, do not fill the void with food. If you're gaining or losing more than a few pounds a week, seek medical assistance.
Rapid, excessive weight loss is normal. Spurred by your extreme mental misery, starvation induces an endorphin release, which makes you feel better. If you start fainting, consult a physician.
Get enough sleep. Do not take sleeping pills if you can't sleep.
This is not the time to quit smoking or rid yourself of other bad habits.
Pay attention to your appearance.
For (since evil is the opposite of good and good of evil) the one must always sustain and reinforce the other, and if the one diminishes or increases, the other, as a necessary counter-force, must do the same. We all know that there would be no justice in the world if there were no wrongs; no magnanimity if no one were pusillanimous; no continence without incontinence; no health without sickness; no truth without falsehood; and no happiness without misfortune.
Thus Socrates is very right when he wonders, as Plato describes, why Aesop did not write a fable pretending that, since He had never been able to unite them, God had joined pain and pleasure end to end, so that the beginning of one should be the end of the other. For we find that we are never allowed pleasure without pain beforehand. And who can enjoy his rest unless he has felt the burden of fatigue? Who enjoys eating, drinking and sleeping unless he has first known hunger, thirst and sleeplessness?
I believe, therefore, that sickness and suffering were given to man by Nature, not chiefly to make him subject to them, since the source of every good would hardly inflict so many miseries on us deliberately, but because the health, happiness and other blessings of Nature were necessarily followed by sickness, suffering and other misfortunes. Thus when the world was favored by Nature with the gift of all the virtues, these were inevitably accompanied, because of the linking of opposites, by all the vices, and in consequence as the former grow or diminish so must the latter.
--The Courtier, Book Two
Remember the law of compensatory misery: if something really bad is going on in one part of your life, something proportionately good will go on in another part to make up for it. The reverse, I'm sorry to report, is also true. You can't fool the Fates. You can't create the bad thing intentionally: buying a French automobile, for example, will not prevent the Fates from trashing your life if they feel like it.
You have been presented by the Fates with what we call by the acronym "AFOG": Another Fucking Opportunity for Growth. Use the time given you to think about yourself, and how you may become a better man. It's the sand in the oyster that makes the pearl. You are not expected to like it, but you are expected to profit by it.
If you happen to read a great novel, or listen to a moving piece of music, or look at a painting that seems to leap off the wall into your breast, or hear a poem that reaches out and grabs your soul and shakes it the way a dog shakes a rat, you will be overwhelmed by one simple, universal truth: these artists, writers and musicians are men and women who suffered the agonies of the damned in order to be able to understand and communicate the human condition. As my beloved father has often said, when discussing those who are capable of making significant contributions to human understanding, "You've got to suffer." Well, Bucko, in order to join the fraternity, you've got to suffer, too. Take it as an inescapable necessity, roll with the punches, and consider yourself initiated.
Read self-help books. They sound silly until you need them, and then they can save your life. Fire extinguishers and insurance aren't handy until you have a fire, either. It may be appropriate to seek competent, professional counseling. Ask your friends, but stay away from jargon-spouters, feel-good practitioners, lunatics who make their problems into your problems, drug dispensers, and die-hard true believers. Generally, an older, dispassionate, much more experienced man will be of the greatest benefit.
You can die of a broken heart. Don't let anybody kid you on this. Be very careful. Excessive, rapid weight loss is a very dangerous sign. Shunning the company of others is a dangerous sign. Too much drugs, alcohol or a combination is a very dangerous sign. Listen to your friends.
If panic attacks become insupportable, consult a physician.
The sappiest things can set you off without warning. Keep yourself under control while in public. If you feel an attack of sorrow coming on, try not to inflict it on others, it will only alarm them.
Do not listen to music with lyrics. They're all talking to you.
Do not go to romantic or sad movies. They're all about you.
Do not read novels. You are the central subject of the most basic plots.
Do some good deeds. Give blood, take food to old folks.
Find some kindly, generous woman who likes birds with broken wings and let her help heal your spirit. You will have no trouble doing this. A hurting man leaves a scent like blood in the water. Take great care that she understands your condition, and that she is under no false impressions concerning the relationship between you.
Watch out for women who are attracted to you in the first months after your previous relationship has failed. They are looking for two things: a man who is sexually wounded and, in some deep way, not a threat; and simultaneously they are looking for a man who is terribly dangerous, who might take out his anger and pain on them as symbolic of all womankind. These women are probably not a good thing for you to be around, but I don't expect you to take my advice, so just be careful.
Do not revenge yourself on womankind because one of their number did you wrong. This just spreads the pain around without diluting it. See the section on venereally transmitted diseases.
Do not succumb to despair.
Do not let anger get the better of you.
Never say never.
Do not make a public spectacle of yourself. Control your emotions when in public. Even though you may feel like a fool, this is no reason to convince everyone else of it. Fake it 'til you make it.
Stay away from things that could "accidentally on purpose" injure you. Lock up the firearms or put them in the safekeeping of friends. Do not drive for a few weeks. Do not undertake anything that would ordinarily be considered dangerous: skydiving, bungee jumping, mountain climbing.
At one blow, you have been reduced to the condition of an injured animal. With neither warning nor intent, you are liable to lash out at anyone or anything near you, even if the intent is only to help. The most likely victims are your friends and family--those you least want to hurt, but who may just be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Your humanity and civility will return to you in time. Meanwhile, be exceedingly careful in your behavior.
Your dearest possessions may suddenly become repulsive to you. Do not act hastily, divesting yourself of things that have deep emotional significance simply because you can't tolerate any emotional stimulus. Don't give things away, don't sell things, don't break things. Do not go through your possessions throwing things out. Wait at least six months.
Do not buy a red sports car. Do not buy a motorcycle.
Do not make substantial changes in dress, hairstyle, or associates.
Remember that you are not yourself. Take care. Pay attention to what you're doing. Ask your friends frequently, "Am I acting okay?" If they say, "No," then do what they say.
Do not try to make her sorry she is no longer with you.
Do not try to punish her by punishing yourself.
Do not try to make her feel sorry for you.
Make no serious plans.
Do not communicate with your former lover without asking the advice of friends. You are not a competent judge of your actions.
Do not try to get even. Do not be vindictive.
Do not speak hatefully of your former lover, nor of her present lover.
Do not try to divide up friends. There is no "bride's side," or "groom's side" in a breakup.
Mutual friends cannot take sides. It was not their relationship. Do not try to make allies of mutual friends. Do not try to make mutual friends into her enemies.
Do nothing that cannot be undone. (plastic surgery, tattoos, joining the French Foreign , suicide)
Do not join a cult.
If there is property to divide, be fair. Anything that was hers is still hers.
If young children are involved, prepare to take up residence in Hell.
Do not make things worse than they have to be. Seek the assistance of a competent attorney if necessary. If she has a competent attorney, it is necessary for you to have one, also.
Remember, she's probably having a terrible time, too.
The only way to get through it is to get through it. Do not use drugs or climb into a bottle.
Get your work done. Fulfill your obligations.
The real pain will lessen over the period of about a year. This is also about how long it takes to get over the physical aspects of a drug, tobacco or alcohol addiction. This should give you a clue about what goes on when you become dependent upon the love of a woman. Treat love exactly as though it were a habit-forming drug, and you're going cold-turkey. Try to find another supply from a reputable dealer.
It will take you half as long as the relationship lasted to get over it.
If there was no proper closure, you will not get over it until there is. If there never is, you will never get over it. Try to find closure.
Marry in haste, repent at leisure. Upon meeting the Ideal Woman, do not get married for at least a year, preferably three.
Insofar as it is possible, do not pick the same kind of woman again. Of course, since you're inevitably seeking a younger version of your mother, this is probably useless advice.
The heart renews itself.
Scars will fade.
Believe it or not, you will be loved, and love, again.
Try to do better next time.
Keep Breathing.
Yet if it pleases you that I should undertake this task let it at least be on the same conditions as these gentlemen obtained, namely, that anyone may contradict me when he wishes to, and I shall regard this not as a contradiction but as help; and perhaps, through the correction of my mistakes, we shall discover the perfection that we are seeking.
-- The Courtier, Book Two
In joining the worthy company of Baldassare Castiglione and Giovanni Della Casa, I continue here a tradition of "courtesy books," which by attempting to codify manners and ideals reveal a good deal about the writer and his age. Similar works were written by Aristotle, Theophrastus, Plutarch and Cicero.
"What all such books have in common is the belief that men can improve themselves, that human beings naturally desire to subscribe to an ideal and that the ideal is attainable. Also, there is the assumption that external manners are expressions and manifestations of internal qualities: good men exhibit good manners."
(Il Galateo, translated with an introduction and notes by Konrad Eisenbichler and Kenneth R. Bartlett,
Centre for Reformation and Renaissance Studies, Victoria University in the University of Toronto, 1986, page xvii)
My references to The Courtier, by Baldassare Castiglione (1478-1529) are from the edition translated and with an introduction by George Bull, Penguin Books, 1967
A Renaissance Courtesy-Book, Galateo of Manners and Behavior, by Giovanni Della Casa (1503-1556), was published in 1914 by the Merrymount Press, Boston, with an introduction by J. E. Springarn
Il Galateo was written between 1551 and 1555. Il Galateo was subsequently translated into all major European languages. The first English translation, by Robert Peterson, was published in 1576 as Galateo of Maister Iohn Della Casa, Archbishop of Benvenenta, or rather a Treatise of the Manners and Behaviours it behoveneth a Man to use in his familiar Conversation. The English of 1576 is alien to the modern ear, and I have taken the liberty of modifying it from that printed in the 1914 Merrymount Press edition.
Whereas The Courtier is a general treatise on manners and emphasizes the conventions of gentlemanly behavior within the context of romantic love, Il Galateo is the plain nuts-and-bolts of day-to-day social intercourse. The Courtier discusses the complex roles of men and women in polite society; Il Galateo tells you how to blow your nose. Ad astra per aspera.
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