The Lover  (Contd.)

Women Need to Talk

"The reason husbands and wives do not understand each other is because they belong to different sexes."

--Dorothy Dix

Remember that, in many important ways, you are a deaf, dumb and blind.. Behave as though you have only five rather blunted senses and she has at least six extremely sharp ones.

Women's intuition is real. Women are aware of things that men do not see. Men can be unbelievably blind to things that women think are bright as day. Men can be, in matters of the heart, almost unconscious. The only way to find out if something is going on is to ask.

Women are smaller than men, and are by training non-confrontive. Through experience, they learn that direct confrontation is dangerous. Thus, they often adopt the "passive-aggressive" approach. If, for example, she makes your coffee so that it is guaranteed to be stone cold by the time you can get to it, take a hint. She's mad about something, and here's how you're finding out about it. Start talking.

Many a truth is spoken in jest. If she laughingly says something, it's to give you a hint without confrontation. If she is talking to you and you interrupt with something off the subject and she quotes the Gary Larson cartoon* that goes like this:

"What we say to dogs (There's this picture of a guy lecturing his dog, and he's saying): 'Okay, Ginger! I've had it! You stay out of the garbage! Understand Ginger? Stay out of the garbage or else!' The next frame is exactly the same but the caption is: 'What they hear: blah blah GINGER blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Ginger blah blah blah blah blah ' "

*In Search of the Far Side, Gary Larson, Andrews, McMeel & Parker,
© 1980, 1981, 1982, 1983, 1984 by the Chronicle Publishing Company.

...she's giving you a broad clue.* In other words, "Take a hint, you dope."

Talk about it. Listen. Pay attention. Be attentive to the silent, secret messages. No negative or unhappy expression is trivial.

Do not allow the television set to become a third member of your household. Do not substitute sitting in front of the TV set together for genuine togetherness. When the TV is on, real conversation is almost impossible. If the set is on all or most of the time, your relationship is in serious trouble.

Do not phrase a question in such a manner that it contains the answer you want. Example: "You don't want to go to the dance Saturday, do you?" or, "I don't really want to go to the dance Saturday, do you?" If you actually want her opinion, phrase the question neutrally.

And they do also make the like fault, that take upon themselves to reprove and correct men's faults, and to give a definite sentence in all things, and lay down the law to all men. 'Such a thing should not be done.' 'You spoke such words, do not so, say not so.' 'The wine you drink is not good for you, it should be red wine.' 'You should not use such a medicine, or such pills.' And they never cease to reprove and correct.

And as there be few or none who wish to spend their lives with a physician, a confessor and much less a judge that has jurisdiction and power to control and correct all criminal faults, so is there not one that can take any pleasure in living or make himself familiar with such censors, so hard and sever. For every man loves liberty, and they would rob us of it, and be our masters.

Il Galateo

Do not lecture her. Women resent being lectured, and for some perverse reason this is exactly what men like to do. You think you're having a dialogue, when in fact you're handing down laws written in stone.

Do not make light of her complaints, criticisms or suggestions.

Don't try to talk everything to death. When you've gotten to the point where either of you is repeating yourself, drop it.

Listen carefully to what may seem to be criticisms of others. They may be criticisms of you.

Ask her opinion.

Take her opinions seriously.

Never be condescending.

And therefore, if any man be in readiness to tell his tale: it is not good manners to interrupt him: nor to say that you do know it well. Or, if he besprinkle his tale here and there with some pretty lie, you must not reprove him for it, neither in words nor in gesture, as shaking your head, or scowling upon him.

Likewise, it is an ill-favored condition to stop another man's tale in his mouth, and it spites him as much as if a man should take him be the sleeve and hold him back, even when he is ready to run his course. And wen another man is in the midst of telling a tale, it is not good manners for you, by telling the company some news, and drawing their minds to other matters, forsaking him clean, and leave him alone.

And when a man tells his tale, you must listen to him carefully, that you may not say later, "Oh, what?," or "Oh, how?" which is what many men do.

And, if a man tell his tale slowly, you must not hasten him forward, or lend him words, although you be quicker in speech than he. . . . Every man in his own conceit thinks he can tell his tale well, although for modesty's sake he may deny it.

Il Galateo

Laugh at her jokes and stories.

Do not interrupt her when she speaks.

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